“Could I replace you?”
I think I have. Maybe not with another person, but with things to pass the time. With daydreams. With space. With silence. I have been haunted by others before. Yet, you haunt me, still. Quite a bit of time has passed, and I remember all the smiles and all the laughs.. But I remember the tears too. I try to send positive thoughts your way, and only wish you well, however. No longer do I feel the malice I once did, nor do I shun you to the dark depths of my psyche. I keep telling myself to shed some light for you, wherever you may be in the dimmed corridors of my mind. Sometimes, little things remind me of you, and you do cross my mind, without me even realizing it. Of course, there are days when I don’t think about you at all. But on occasion, I lay awake at night and wonder:
“Have you replaced me too?”
So many people are wasting their lives by only living to die, when they should be dying to live. Don’t be one of them.
You may never know I that I breathe. You may never know I’m alive. You may never know I exist. But I want to thank you for crossing my path. I want to thank you for your being. Your simple presence has shaped me, changed me in some way. Even if we just brushed passed each other as strangers, your light shone on mine, only making both of our spirits brighter. So as I watch your shine glow dimmer as you go your way, you will become a nebula in my universe; a star in my galaxy, a mystery in my enigma, a piece in my puzzle, and a beat in my heart.
I remember the heartache. The absence of your warmth. The long hours where it felt like I was falling endlessly into an abyss of darkness. Of nothing, null and numbness. The desperation to have some exposure to you, even the most miniscule. I know what you are going through right now. Maybe not in every which way, but I remember when half my heart was not beating in my chest. When I could not eat, sleep, or think. I suppose I am just blessed that the person bypassed themselves back in. I know things will get better for you, whether it is according to plan or not. So don’t let go of that happiness you are striving for. One day you will realize that the happiness you hope for so badly, has been with you the entire way.
I want to be a pioneer of life, not a prisoner of it. We are a work of art. We learn to read and to write on paper in order to go school to earn some paper so we can go to to work. We really are something, aren’t we? But I don’t want to be stuck in this endless cycle. I refuse. Life is about discovery. Life is about love. Life is about being alive. Why would you want to be stuck not enjoying what you are doing, when you could be free doing what you love? I want to be free in what I love. I want to get lost in what I love. And I am convinced that whatever or wherever that may be, I will find myself there.
What was I thinking? Did I not value what we had more than that? I was so naive. What did I end up after trading all of that? Unrequited love. Did it teach me how to love? To pine? To long? To wait for something that would never come? Was it worth it? What did I learn? I can’t help but feel that I am somewhat responsible for your history with love now. Would it be different now, if I chose you instead? Would you be happier? I know I can’t change what happened, but I can’t help but wonder. If my timing was off, if I said things a second too late, if you never acknowledged me again; what would we be like then? I can’t believe that I ever confused the hurt I put myself through for you for love.
How could I ever let something like that get in between us?
In retrospect, you were the connected, she was inter-connected, & I was disconnected. The only thing we had in common was our extremity. I suppose my rationalization of the circumstances lead to my condoning behavior.
Sometimes, I lay awake at night for hours, still wishing it was me.
